The Adventures of Cowboy Hazel

This writing is more for me than for you. I feel I should clarify that now so that you can walk away if you like. This isn’t the typical Cowboy Hazel running blog of late. This is a Robert James Reese journal entry, like those that came before the blog. If you want the former, skip to the next (previous) post.

I just finished reading a Paul Auster novella: Man In The Dark. That is not what this is about. The book was rather disappointing actually. Auster’s work in the past has been amazing, but this seems to be some random notes that he slapped his name on merely to make some money. The story works, but it doesn’t really do or mean anything. It seems like a first draft.

That’s all beside the point. The point is that the book made me realize that I have quit writing. I used to write all the time, but now I never do. Sure, I write up here, but that doesn’t count. It’s a hollow, matter-of-fact reporting of my mediocre running performances. Hardly anything worthwhile.

I once wrote a novel. It was horrible. But, at least it was an effort towards being something good. Now, I don’t even try.

I need to start trying again.

I’ve been thinking about this. About life. About where I want to be and who I am. My job is going well. Much better than I ever could have hoped for, in fact. But, that doesn’t make me happy. It’s not my dream. I hope to stay there for a few years, but beyond that, I don’t know if I could do it. I mean, sure, I could if I had to. But is that what I want?

No.

I want to write. I want to be a good writer. I realize that I’m not now, that I need practice, that I need to keep experiencing the real world to gather stories, but also, that I need to keep writing. And not this.

We’ll see where this all leads. I’m not sure now. I just want to throw it out there. Make sure I remember how I’m feeling at this moment, since this seems to be my journal these days.

Next book on the reading list: Wild Animus by Rich Shapero. Someone handed me an advance reading copy of it outside the UMC (on the University of Colorado campus) five years ago and I’ve been meaning to read it ever since. Now seems like the right time. I hope it was worth the wait.

p.s. While reading over this before “publishing”, I found that the parenthesis about the UMC being on the CU campus really bothers me. I obviously know that the UMC is in Boulder, so why did I have to include that note? I tried writing for myself, but clearly I didn’t. Maybe this whole blogging thing isn’t going to work after all. Why didn’t I just delete the parenthesis? Because I can’t.