The Adventures of Cowboy Hazel

Today was a very productive day. Many things that I’d planned on getting done over the weekend were still on the to-do list when I woke this morning and, rather than let them linger there, I decided to tackle them all. Before even starting work, I cleaned and dusted my house. Then, on my lunch break, I took my air conditioner out of the window and put it into storage up in the loft. After finishing work, I immediately went and did four loads of laundry before returning home to cut my hair and shave. Oh, and I cleaned my bathroom after that too. All that activity brought with it a certain calmness that only comes after a long day’s work.

It also served to distract me from the foul mood that’s been hanging over my head the past few days. Everything seemed to be going so well for a moment but then fell apart again last week. Keeping busy helps to keep my mind off of all the things that are going wrong.

Friends always help a lot too. I didn’t at all feel like leaving the house yesterday, but agreed to go to dinner with a friend because she sounded like things were pretty bad and she needed someone to talk to. Turns out, that was exactly what I needed too. A roast duck and a few beers later, I was feeling much better than I was yesterday afternoon.

But, the melancholy snuck back in while I was sleeping and has followed me all day today. I just haven’t been able to shake it. I think the weather is adding to it a bit — Although I love the autumn and the cloudy weather, it can be a bit depressing. The Jets getting embarrassed by San Diego certainly didn’t help matters any either.

Note: The word “snuck” was highlighted by my word processor with one of those red squiggly lines signifying a misspelled word. Out of curiosity, I Googled it and found this article. But, when I wrote “sneaked” instead, it sounded wrong. So, I chose to go with the technically incorrect word that fits in with my dialect, rather than the correct word that would have messed up the flow of my sentence.

I probably wouldn’t have put as much thought into that if I hadn’t just spent an hour-and-a-half editing the first chapter of one of my friends’ novels that was sent to me today. It got me into that whole red pencil mode. And, to be honest, being in that mode felt really good. Although I am still reading actively, it has been a while since I’ve pored over a passage line by line and responded directly to it. I ended up writing a response that was almost as long as the chapter itself!

Which reminds of a line from a conversation that I had with Stoltz back in Colorado in May, “Good luck with the literary criticism. I’m sure that if you keep working hard, you’ll find a cure for it in no time.”

I should start writing creatively again. Finding the time to do so will be tough, but I really need to make an effort. I should also fight back hard against this descending funk before it drags me down. There’s too many big events on the horizon this fall/winter — If I’m going to get through everything on the schedule, I need to be operating at 100%. Finally, in the short term, I should go to bed. It’s almost 1:00 and I have to wake up early tomorrow. Since that’s the easiest of the 3, I’ll start there. Good night.

I saw another raccoon this morning in the north end of Central Park. Very strange… That’s two in the same week after going almost ten years without seeing one (the last time I can remember seeing one was at my uncle’s house in Durango which I haven’t been to since high school). I mentioned it to Sarah on our run and she said she sees them all the time in the mornings. Apparently, they’ve just been avoiding me all this time.

My custom shoes (photo) that I ordered for the marathon arrived and I started breaking them in. No problems there, thankfully. I got this really bad pain in the tendon on the back of my left ankle today, but I think that’s unrelated. I’ve been getting a lot of random aches and pains lately, but I think that’s probably pretty normal considering that I’m now pushing 50 miles a week. I’m running my first 20 miler ever on Saturday morning with Antonio. Needless to say, I’m nervous about it. I missed my last 18 miler two weeks ago, so it’s been almost a month since I’ve done anything over 13.1 miles. But, I planned out an amazing course (check out the map). We’re going to cover pretty much all of Manhattan on this run. Very cool.

Work’s been extra busy lately because Nathaniel’s wife had their first baby over the weekend so he’s been out, staying with her at the hospital. As a result, I’m getting all his normal work in addition to mine. But, no complaints here. I love having the extra hours and, more importantly, I’m very happy for them that they had a healthy baby boy.

Not much else to report. Actually, that’s not true — there’s a lot going on that I could write about, but I am tired and don’t really feel like writing. Instead, I’m going to kick back and read some more of 740 Park, a surprisingly interesting history book that I picked up a week ago, and then crash early.

Good night.

 As I sat down to write, I knew that this was going to be a long entry. I haven’t written for a while and have a lot on my mind and feel like I need to get it out. Then, I read back on my last entry and realized that it was written over a week ago and was itself quite long and rambling. A conversation earlier this evening had touched upon binge drinking and then it suddenly hit me — I am “binge writing.” What an original, unique thought, right? Well, five years ago, it would have just remained as that — I would have written it done and been smugly happy with myself for coming up with such a clever term. Not in today’s world, though. I decided to Google the phrase (I Google everything) and found that someone else had already coined the term and written an article about it. I could be bitter, but instead, I’ll merely take a step back and offer credit where it’s due: this anonymously published article is right on.

So what am going to be binge writing about tonight? Many things. This is a binge, after all. First up, though, is mention of a short story/novel that I’ve been thinking of a lot lately: Flowers for Algernon. Why? Well, it’s not a direct correlation with the plot, but I feel it’s somewhat related — I find myself wishing lately that I was less analytical than I am. This sounds strange, but follow with me on this… You know how they say, “Ignorance is bliss”? Well, I think that may have a more general meaning too. I think that I would be happier if I could somehow slow my mind down a bit. This is something I don’t talk about a lot because I sound like an arrogant asshole and whenever I say it because it comes across like I think I’m smarter than everyone else — That’s not what I’m going for though. What I am saying is that I have a tendency to over-analyze situations and ruin them with that analysis. To take that even further, I often analyze the fact that I’m over-analyzing the situation. The result is that, in moments where I should be happiest, instead my mind is racing through all the possibilities of things that could go wrong. The irony is that the thing that usually goes wrong is that I was thinking of things that could go wrong instead of just enjoying the moment. Does that make sense? I feel like I didn’t explain it very well. But, to be honest with you, I don’t know how to explain it any better.

So, instead of continuing on, I’ll just move on to another completely unrelated topic. I’m feeling rather conversational tonight. That’s why I’m introducing all the questions. You don’t mind do you?

Here’s another thing about blog writing that I find troublesome — I used to switch up my writing styles in my journals a lot. Like, seriously, a lot. Sometimes I would be writing in a strictly conformist academic style and other times I’d be more PoMo than Donald Barthelme. I’ve had trouble doing that with the blog though — I always feel self-conscious when I try to experiment with different voices. Fuck that from now on. I’m going to write however I please. I feel far too confined. Maybe that’s why I’m binge writing. I mean, I love writing — why have I not been doing more of it? Ah, yes, it’s because I’m worried what all the conformists will think and feel that I have to write up to some polished standard. Because, even though no one ever comments (except for Pam — thank you, Pam) I know people are reading this. I see the analytics. And, then, because you all are being silent, I don’t know whether you approve or not, or who you are. And the result is me publishing this toned down purée of words that is less than fun to write. So, from now on, I’m writing whatever I feel like writing and you all can just deal with it. (And, for god’s sake, leave some comments so I know who is reading this.)

I saw a raccoon in Battery Park on Wednesday. It was the first raccoon I’d seen since the late nineties.

Let’s talk business for a bit — I haven’t done that in a while. Things are still going mind-bogglingly well for Lantenengo Industries. Seriously, I couldn’t have imagined things going as well as they are when I first embarked on this journey earlier this year. I am currently spending approximately 0% of my time seeking out new clients. Jobs just keep landing in my lap. Knock on wood, but I haven’t had to go out searching for work at all since like my first two weeks of being independent. Nathaniel and Marcela have both been awesome at bringing work to me. And then, I’ve started getting these random solicitations from visitors to my website. Yes, that’s the point of having a business website, but still — it’s crazy when it actually works (especially considering how little effort I’ve put into promoting my own business — I’m always so busy promoting my clients’ that I never have a chance for my own.) So, long story short, I am in the rare position of a being small business owner who has all his time to devote to actually plying his trade rather than searching for work. How cool is that?

And, on the technical side, things have been going just as well, if not better. Over the past year, I have learned a ridiculous amount of code. And, I’ve also improved my logical thinking skills quite a bit too. Here and there, moments pop up where that really becomes apparent. One of those moments occurred a few days ago as I was working on a messaging board for my running group. I wanted to create a function that recursively called itself so that it could look for response messages to an infinite level without bogging down and getting stuck in a loop. (Okay, I know I just did a really shitty job of explaining that. I apologize. I can’t explain it better. Just imagine a really tough problem that takes a complete nerd to solve…) Theoretically, I knew that this process was possible, but it had completely stumped me in the past. I had tried to accomplish it a couple years ago on a family genealogy project to determine an endless tree of ancestors for any one person but was horribly frustrated and couldn’t get past the hurtle. The need for this logic hadn’t come up again until this week. Again, it frustrated me at first. I sat at the computer for hours, trying different things but couldn’t get it to work. Then, I took my comp book and went and sat out by the East River, trying to map it out on paper. But, as it is more of a 3-dimensional problem, that didn’t really work either. A couple days later, as I was beginning to think of giving up and finding a less-useful alternative, it finally came to me. It was like a flashbulb popping in my head while I was walking home from an early morning run. As soon as I got home (before I even showered), I turned on my computer and started writing the code. And, (drum roll please…) it worked!

So, I guess I never really even wrote about my trip to Miami. It almost seems too late to do so now. I’ll just provide a brief summary in the form of nouns: beer, football, sun, sand, beer, friends, heat, food, beer.

This week will be a little melancholy because it will be the last time I ever go to the original Yankee Stadium. And, for that matter, it will be the last time anyone goes there. As you know, the Yankees have no chance of making the playoffs this year, so this last regular season home-stand is it. I’m headed up there Monday and Thursday. I’m so glad to be going (it’s been over a month since I’ve been to a Yankees game — far too long…) but sad that the games don’t mean anything and that they’re going to be the last ones there. I know that I haven’t been a Yankees fan forever and I don’t have as much of a sentimental right to the stadium as those who grew up here in the city, but still, I’ve had a lot of great memories at that stadium and will be sad to see it go.

I’m done. Good night.

p.s. After re-reading, I’m really not happy with those last few paragraphs (everything after the raccoon). I almost deleted them. Maybe I should have. They were the result of me not talking about what I wanted to talk about, the subject that was really on my mind. So, yes, my whole rant in the fourth paragraph was complete bullshit. I am still writing for an audience. Damn this blogosphere.

Before I begin, let me warn you — This is most likely going to be a long, rambling entry. I have a freshly uncorked bottle of French Syrah on the counter, have Music to Mauzner By (the greatest album ever made) playing on the CD player, and two religious candles going for artistic effect. There’s lots to write about and I feel like I haven’t been writing much lately. Before this whole blogging thing, I used to hold myself to getting at least 1,000 words a day down in either my journals or short stories. I haven’t even been coming close to that lately. I’m sure part of that is because my new profession requires me to be in front of the computer for the vast majority of my waking life already (so much so, in fact, that my wrists and hands ache and my fingers get callouses from typing), but there are other alternatives. I could dictate into a voice recorder or write with a pen. But, I’m going off on a tangent here. What I was originally starting to say there is that I fill like I so much to write and I haven’t been writing it.

The last few days, not much was written because I was horribly sick. According to the symptom checker over at WebMD, it looks like I probably had a case of Strep throat. Whether it actually was or something else, it kicked my ass. I haven’t been able to run since Thursday, I’ve been sleeping 14 hours a day, I couldn’t eat at all on Saturday, and just today was I finally feeling a little better. I hate the fact that I lost almost four days to this stupid illness. I have accomplished next to nothing. I worked Friday and have gotten a few hours a day in over the weekend too, but for the most part, I did nothing except for lay in bed or lay in my chair watching baseball. The thing that sucks is that I don’t feel more rested for having taken the time off. I actually feel a lot worse. So frustrating…

But, as far as these things go, the timing was actually not that bad — If it had been any of the following weeks, it would have been a disaster. Next weekend (or this weekend, I guess, depending how you look at it), I’m headed down to Miami to see the Jets play the Dolphins in the season opener. I am so looking forward to the beach and football and the pool and more football (the UM vs. UF game on t.v.). Then, the weekend after that is the Queens Half-Marathon. Although that’s not a super-important race on my schedule, it is a race and I would really like to do well. And, considering that it’ll be only the second half-marathon I’ve ever run, I stand a pretty good chance of breaking my P.R. on it, which would be nice. So, definitely better that it was this weekend instead of either of those.

And, let me just say that it is such a relief that football season is here to take our minds off of baseball. I watched the Yankees almost blow an 11-2 lead today against the flailing Tigers. Within two innings, their nine run lead was whittled down to three. How does this happen with a $200 million payroll? They have a lot of ground to cover to catch up to the Red Sox and Twins and, frankly, I’ve stopped believing. It could happen, but it won’t. Time to start looking to next year. But, let’s at least take some lessons out of this — Stop trading great prospects for veteran has-beens. You went out and got Xavier Nady and Marte and what’d that get you? Nothing. You’re still not in the playoffs, you’re spending even more money, and now you don’t have that bright spot on the future. The Yankees need to learn that the farm system is an important part of every team, not just the poor teams.

Okay, switching gears to politics now, let me say that I am a little perplexed at how all this crap could suddenly be coming out about McCain’s running mate. I’m not surprised that there were skeletons in her closet — everyone has them (well, almost everyone) — but I’m surprised that McCain, his campaign organizers, and the Republican party staff that should be looking into such things failed to overlook so much when the media was able to come up with it all in just two days. Of course, the daughter’s pregnancy or the fact that Palin’s husband was arrested on a drunk driving charge 22 years ago has absolutely nothing to do with the election and should never have even been mentioned, but you know that they would be with our sensationalist media the way it is today. So, why would you open yourself up to a potential firestorm by picking someone with these flaws? I’d like to think it was because McCain knew about them and chose to look past them, but I’m afraid that’s probably not the case. He probably didn’t know because someone didn’t do their research. Which brings me back to my original question, how the hell did they not find out about this before making the nomination?

Although, here’s another possibility that just came to me — maybe they did know about it and thought that the publicity it would bring would be beneficial… After all, any publicity is good publicity, right? None of the issues were directly the fault of the vice presidential candidate herself and all the buzz that’s been whipped up about this has helped to steal a bit of Obama’s thunder. Maybe that was it. It sure would be interesting to know for sure, but we never will. This whole process is shrouded in such ridiculous secrecy. Regardless of the motives, I think that Sarah Palin was a wise choice for a running mate and I think that the move definitely gave McCain an edge. I hope so, at least.

One of my friends called to invite me to dinner later this week and while we were chatting on the phone he told me that he had a conversation with a mutual friend during which they were laughing about the possibilities of me voting for Obama (I guess you might not know this because I haven’t been that political in my blog so far, but I passionately hate Obama — I think he’s a slimy politician that would lie about anything and everything just for the sake of getting elected) and one said to the other, “Well, you never know, he lives in Harlem now.” This gave them a good laugh, and me a good laugh when I heard it. It’s probably not nearly as funny to you, however, and for that I apologize.

But, it does bring up my next point nicely. As of today, I have been living here in Harlem for over a year. That may not sound like big news but the fact is, it’s a milestone of sorts for me — This is the first time in my adult life that I’ve ever lived anywhere longer than a year (I’ve lived at 11 different addresses in five different states in the seven years since I graduated high school) and there’s at least another year to go here in this apartment. I love my apartment, my neighborhood, and my city. It’s so nice to actually want to be where I am for a change. But…

I am beginning to have my doubts about how much longer I can go on living in NYC. I do really like it here, but I just can’t picture myself getting old here and so I know that I’m going to have to move eventually. And, as anyone who’s moved around as much as I have can tell you, living someplace where you know that you’re soon leaving is not a lot of fun. You tend to sell yourself short. You avoid making friends, starting relationships because you know that you’ll have to end them soon. Making long term vacation, travel, even sporting events plans becomes difficult. So, I guess I kinda feel like I should get the move out of the way so that I can be wherever it is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life in already and then start living for real. But, the whole problem with that is that I really am not ready to move yet and I don’t know for sure where I want to move to. And, even if I did know, I would still have to be here for a year before I could leave because of my lease. So, what to do? For now, I’m a New Yorker. And, I’m trying to keep thinking that way. I think it’s very likely that I’ll move out of the city next September, but probably not far away. I’ve thought about the suburbs in New Jersey or Long Island, but don’t think that’s the right place for me. Although I’m not a city-boy, I’m certainly not suburban. The heavy favorite at the moment is Philadelphia for a few reasons: I love it from what I’ve seen so far, I hear great things from people who have lived there, I’d still be close enough to NYC that I could meet clients when needed, the city has it’s own sports and nightlife and such so I wouldn’t get bored, etc. In second place is someplace upstate New York in the mountains. I’d love to get way out of the city, but worry that it would be too hard to meet people up there. It seems like a lot of those communities are pretty closed off. But, hey, who knows? If business is still going well and I can still afford the city, I might decide to stay here yet another year. I’m definitely in no rush to break out those moving boxes again.

Well, midnight just snuck up on me, and I need some quality sleep to be sure that I’ve kicked this little illness to the curb so I should get to bed. Good night.