The Adventures of Cowboy Hazel

I let almost two weeks slip by without a single word up here. I could just use the typical, “I’ve been busy,” excuse and not be lying (I’ve been putting in 80 hour work weeks and 30 mile running weeks still) but I wouldn’t being telling the full truth either. Fact is I’ve been slipping into a little bit of a funk lately and haven’t really felt like writing about it. That in itself is interesting because I used to always turn to writing in the same situations. But, you can’t really just open up here on a blog the same way that you can when you’re writing for yourself so there’s not that same cathartic release. And, my wrist has been hurting like hell lately so sitting in front of the computer any longer than I have to hasn’t been that appealing recently anyhow. But, rather than letting those excuses keep from writing yet another night, I decided to just buck up and pound the keys for a bit.

The biggest news in my life at the moment is the fact that the NYC Half Marathon is in less than ten hours from now! I’ve done everything I can to prepare myself — I’ve been running long runs, intervals, tempo runs, you name it; I quit eating any processed foods and quit drinking soda; I even gave up beer and wine this past week; and, toughest of all, I forced myself not to run yesterday or today so now I’m totally chomping at the bit and ready to run. I’m going to fix some pasta in a bit and then relax and watch a movie and (hopefully) get a few hours of solid sleep. Yet, even with all this, I feel really nervous about the race, more nervous then I’ve ever been about any other. What if I fuck up tomorrow? What if I overpace myself early and then can’t finish? What if I just run out of steam at mile 10 like I’ve been doing lately? Tomorrow is a huge benchmark on my progression as a runner and will determine how I tackle training for Philly. If I am able to hit my target of 1:35:00 then I can realistically start thinking about preparing for a Boston-qualifying marathon time. If not, it will be a sign that I need to take a step back and just worry about finishing the marathon this fall and wait until next year to try to qualify for Boston. I really don’t know which it will be. I’ve never run this far at 100% intensity before. And, to point out the obvious, I’m curious to learn what the result of doing so will be.

I switched gears there between paragraphs pretty abruptly. I suppose I should go back and explain the funk rather than just leaving it out there. It’s not a depression or anything, just this cloud that has been hanging over my head lately. I don’t know, it just seems like no matter how hard I try, nothing is really improving. A lot of this is financial. Because of way the taxes hit me and the fact that I don’t qualify for any of the government assisted health, rent, or food programs that my taxes are going to pay, I’m really not making any more money than I would be if I just gave up and took a $20,000 a year job. Of course, this is something that has bothered me for a long time (I plan on writing a book about it and the ways to fix it someday when I can sit down and give the research the time and attention it deserves) but recent events have brought it to the forefront of my mind. I’ll hold off on the details for now, because I know that if I start down that path, I won’t be able to stop and the last thing I need is to spend hours here writing in frustration on the eve of the biggest race so far in my running life.

So instead, I’m going to go make myself some pasta and watch a movie. I haven’t decided yet between Magnolia and Alien 3. Strange choice there. Strange enough, in fact, that I felt it was worth mentioning.